JOKES JOKES JOKES
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? 'Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' .. She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'.' Husband:'That's it. We are happy ever after.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology that explains the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions.' The husband turns to his wife and says, 'honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you couldn't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' She says. 'Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick!!.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A girl asks a guy...'Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than 1 guy she's a slut. But if a guy has it with more than 1 girl he's a legend?!' The guy replies... 'If a lock can be opened by more than 1 key it's a useless lock... But if a key can open many doors its a 'Master Key'?
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!''Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.'No, you idiot!' the man shouts. 'This is her husband!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Girls used 2 say in: 1970 -love me bt dnt touch me 1980- touch me bt dnt kiss me ...1990 - kiss me bt dnt do anything else 2000- Do anything 2 me bt dnt tell anyone ...n now in 2011 girls r say'n : do everything 2 me or i'll tell everyone u cnt do anything......the world is coming to an END.........
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Son:'Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!'
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son,
but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date
any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
'My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man had a sunburnt penis, so he was advised by a friend to dip it in milk. While doing dat his girlfriend suddenly came and said
'i always wondered how u guys load them...!!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A shrink was doing a therapy session with 4 young mums and their small children. 'You all have obsessions' he observed.
To the 1st mum he said 'You're obsessed with food, you even named ur child Candy.'
To the 2nd 'You're obsessed with money, so you named your child Penny'
To the 3rd 'Your obsession is alcohol hence you named your child Brandy.'
At this point the 4th mum quietly got up, took her boy by the hand and whispered 'Come on Dick, we're leaving!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
This Irish guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!!
The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.
Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Whiskey. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, 'John, my son, see, there's the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!!
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A horny husband was helping his wife set up a password for their pc, and typed in 'MYPENIS', the wife fell off di chair laughing wen the system said NOT LONG ENOUGH
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Mother in-law: My grandson looks nothing like my son. Daughter in-law: I have a vagina between my legs not a photocopy machine.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Wife was sure that her husband was having Sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didnt tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave an old story - Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching and went to bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
He came in silently, He wasted no time on words but quickly started sex..
When he finished, Wife said - U didn't expect me in this bed, did u..? and switched on the light
No Madam, said the Butler.!
MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy... So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.. The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists
and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500. The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Jamaican up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and said I don't know the answer and goes back to sleep.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh at patients are they?', inquired Fred.
'Of course I won't laugh' said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient'.
'Ok then' said Fred as he proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the tiniest penis' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery:O .
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.=)) Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry', she said. 'I don't know what came over me.:$
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.? Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'Its swollen' replied Fred.
She ran out of the room...LOL
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? 'Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' .. She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'.' Husband:'That's it. We are happy ever after.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology that explains the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions.' The husband turns to his wife and says, 'honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you couldn't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' She says. 'Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick!!.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A girl asks a guy...'Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than 1 guy she's a slut. But if a guy has it with more than 1 girl he's a legend?!' The guy replies... 'If a lock can be opened by more than 1 key it's a useless lock... But if a key can open many doors its a 'Master Key'?
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!''Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.'No, you idiot!' the man shouts. 'This is her husband!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Girls used 2 say in: 1970 -love me bt dnt touch me 1980- touch me bt dnt kiss me ...1990 - kiss me bt dnt do anything else 2000- Do anything 2 me bt dnt tell anyone ...n now in 2011 girls r say'n : do everything 2 me or i'll tell everyone u cnt do anything......the world is coming to an END.........
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Son:'Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!'
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son,
but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date
any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
'My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man had a sunburnt penis, so he was advised by a friend to dip it in milk. While doing dat his girlfriend suddenly came and said
'i always wondered how u guys load them...!!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A shrink was doing a therapy session with 4 young mums and their small children. 'You all have obsessions' he observed.
To the 1st mum he said 'You're obsessed with food, you even named ur child Candy.'
To the 2nd 'You're obsessed with money, so you named your child Penny'
To the 3rd 'Your obsession is alcohol hence you named your child Brandy.'
At this point the 4th mum quietly got up, took her boy by the hand and whispered 'Come on Dick, we're leaving!'
JOKES JOKES JOKES
This Irish guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!!
The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.
Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Whiskey. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, 'John, my son, see, there's the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!!
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A horny husband was helping his wife set up a password for their pc, and typed in 'MYPENIS', the wife fell off di chair laughing wen the system said NOT LONG ENOUGH
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Mother in-law: My grandson looks nothing like my son. Daughter in-law: I have a vagina between my legs not a photocopy machine.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Wife was sure that her husband was having Sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didnt tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave an old story - Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching and went to bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
He came in silently, He wasted no time on words but quickly started sex..
When he finished, Wife said - U didn't expect me in this bed, did u..? and switched on the light
No Madam, said the Butler.!
MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed
JOKES JOKES JOKES
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy... So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.. The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists
and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500. The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Jamaican up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and said I don't know the answer and goes back to sleep.
JOKES JOKES JOKES
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh at patients are they?', inquired Fred.
'Of course I won't laugh' said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient'.
'Ok then' said Fred as he proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the tiniest penis' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery:O .
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.=)) Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry', she said. 'I don't know what came over me.:$
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.? Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'Its swollen' replied Fred.
She ran out of the room...LOL
JOKES JOKES JOKES